Asexuals Exist or Something, Says Book, But They Are Probably Sad Like This Cookie




PUBLISHED: 17:43 EST, 8 September 2012



Caption: Asexuals enjoy baking, but they don’t believe in heart-shaped cookies, and thus smash them in hate-filled rage.


Roughly 1% of the world’s population is ‘asexual,’ according to experts.  This means that 70 million people feel no sexual attraction to other human beings, which basically means they hate everybody.


"I don’t hate everybody," says some asexual somewhere (age 23).  "I actually like a lot of people.  I’m just not sexually attracted to them."  


As the above quote demonstrates, asexuals suffer from a dearth of human emotions.  Asexuals don’t feel the need to form bonds with other people, and enjoy living alone in cardboard boxes in the woods.  A large percentage of them (74.3%, according to a study conducted in the UK) enjoy playing sad songs on slightly out-of-tune ukuleles.


"Asexuality is caused by alien waves from space," says Anthony Bogaert, who is in Canada and also a professor.  At least, he probably said something like that; the Daily Mail included that quote and we couldn’t be bothered to fact-check.


Experts say that ‘asexuals’ are only now ‘coming out’ so they can recruit young, untainted minds to their cause.  Their ultimate goal is to give everyone diabetes from non-heart-shaped cookies, so that people stop having sex.


"There are a lot of misconceptions about asexuality in the media," says illegally hot David Jay, the founder of AVEN, who is so attractive it makes us sad that he is asexual.  He said other stuff too, but we were too busy ogling him to pay attention.

Time for the yearly reblog of this ridiculous thing, which continues to have the most notes of anything I’ve ever written on tumblr (I think) and continues to be a satire.

*cough* I know this isn’t satire, don’t be afraid to speak your truth as the truth queenieofaces! I will destroy anyone who gives you anon hate for this excellent article which dared so well to unveil the asexual conspiracy!

Anonymous said: lol this blog is hilarious

I assure you it is quite srs!!! *GASP WALKS AWAY OFFENDEDLY*

Well, everyone, this blog has now officially turned a year old. “Well!” you may scoff, “look at how few posts you’ve made all year! Look at how few submissions you have gotten! This ace threat must not be as serious as you thought it was!”

On the contrary, dear readers. This silence only proves the danger we are all in.

The abomination of asexuality has become so normalized, the oppression by the asexual so suffocating, that no one DARES to speak out against the daily assault on our sexuality which comes from these PROUD AND OUT ACES!! I know you have stories! I know you have evidence in fanart and fanfiction and even nonfiction of aces trying to shove their aceness down your throat! You’re just too scared to share it. You fear the retribution of the tumblr ace community.

I understand and sympathize with your cowardice, though I do not encourage it. 

I’d like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that you may always submit your stories anonymously. 





This sexual orientation business is getting out of hand.
Asexual? How the fuck can a human be asexual? Do you cut off an arm, stick it in some soil and clone yourself? Whilst regenerating the lost limb? You’re not asexual, you don’t reproduce with yourself that’s what asexuality is, not some over dramatised, “cute” meaning that doesn’t exist. You stupid fucks. I hold absolutely no respect for any one that claims this. You just want to sound cool and edgy.

By all means, if you’re straight that’s great, if you’re homosexual that’s fine, if you’re bisexual there’s no problem with that. But fucking asexual? No, you’re not a pretty little flower, you’re flesh and bone human. If you think you’re asexual, please, I implore you, prove me wrong. Take a cutting of yourself and put it in the ground. If you grow a clone, congratulations, you’re a plant. If not, proceed to slap yourself several times for being such a fucking idiot.

Bisexual? How can a human be bisexual? Aretheyflowersthatgiverisetogametocytesofbothsexes? Aretheyspecieswithtwosexes? Are they genes expressed in both sexes?

Or can a word mean one thing in scientific literature and another in everyday usage?

straight???? how can a human be straight???? are they lines? do they not bend? do they have no curves in any direction??

hot???? how can human be hot??? are they a warmer temperature than non-hot people??? will htey burn u???

attracted???? how can human be attracted to other human??? attraction is gravity! humans not big enough to attract other human! humans attracted to planet!

cell phone??? how can human talk on cell phone??? is it a telephone made of a single cell??? is it organic??? is it powered by mitochondria????

no!! word mean only one thing! one thing only!!!! otherwise slap yourself because you are an idiot having sexual relations (that is what ‘fucking’ means)!!!!

Aww look at all the cute people thinking they can get away with their asexuality just be pointing out how illogical the rest of the world is. At least we normal sexual people are illogical in a natural way, instead of taking everything literally. The original poster’s words were definitely of the deepest and most beautiful symbolism, affirming that all humans MUST BE SEXUAL because otherwise the human race is DOOMED TO EXTINCTION. DOOMED. WE ARE NOT FLOWERS. WE DO NOT HAVE MEANING OUTSIDE OF SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH OTHERS. DO NOT BE FOOLED. IF YOU DO NOT MATE YOU ARE DOOMING US. DOOMING US I SAY!!!

And if that doesn’t freak you out I don’t know what will.

(Source: killer-se7en)

Witness the invasion of aces into every space which used to be safe and exclusive to sexual people!! An ace at a pride parade?! Pride is all about celebrating the fact that straight people and gay people all love to have sex! That’s what brings us together. Sex. And yet aces come in here trying to say it’s all about love or something?? WTf? 

Witness the invasion of aces into every space which used to be safe and exclusive to sexual people!! An ace at a pride parade?! Pride is all about celebrating the fact that straight people and gay people all love to have sex! That’s what brings us together. Sex. And yet aces come in here trying to say it’s all about love or something?? WTf? 

Just look at this. 19 years old and already a political timebomb. You know what I think? I think this kid should be ashamed of living for 19 whole years being this blatantly forward. I mean, come on, this whole picture is like an asexual SLEDGEHAMMER to the FACE. It just oozes off of them. The artful arrangement of youthful, nonsexual merchandise…the way they exude that I-don’t-care-about-intercourse feeling…that PURPLE CANDLE…and hey, where I’m from a 19-year-old should already be dating, especially on a celebratory day, am I right? I am right.

Anyway, I lifted this off this kid’s Facebook. It was their profile picture. Look at how disgustingly proud they are of their propagandistic tripe. Purple is the new red, let me tell you. Repulsive.



aw so many fanfics have asexual Sherlock have sex anyway aw come on they can do fun stuff I mean aw do you even remember how fun skipping was DO YOU AW

I’ve never played hide and seek with a gimp mask on though



oh you DID NOT JUST GO THERE. First of all—Sherlock, asexual? Don’t make me laugh. What is your evidence for that statement? It’s not like he never shows any interest in sexual things and is much more interested by experiments and crime-solving. That’s just a secondhand hobby of his. Anyone with half a brain can tell! And secondly, HOW DARE you make bondage an asexual thing! I would have never thought it possible, but there you go, people. The asexual agenda at its most blatant.

dontkillbirds said: GUESS WHAT? I'M ASEXUAL AND I'M PROUD.

Perfect example of the ace superiority complex right here, guys. *puts museum glass around don’t-kill-birds and sets up flattering lighting and a plaque that reads “A rare artifact of the tyrannical asexual subculture which sought to dominate the world during the early 21st century”*

Take a gooood long look.

Anonymous said: Hey, guess what I’m drawing? That’s right, fanart where the characters are PLATONIC FRIENDS! What are you gonna do NOW, huh? We’ll even take your fandoms in the end, sexual people! >:D -tearlessrain

There’s nothing I hate more than when I’m innocently browsing fanart tags looking for great porn and I come across a bunch of nonsexual pictures of my favorite characters in situations which are platonic and could only be interpreted as sexual by a stretch of the imagination. And then you see all the poor non-ace fans trying to be content with that and saying “oh well there’s subtext! Squint, you’ll see it!” because of the dearth of sexual fanart and fanfic relationships.

I bet you’re going to tag the heck out of that fanart too, so we all have to see it when we’re browsing the tags of our favorite fandoms. Thanks a lot!!!

Anonymous said: Someone stole my purple swimsuit. I think you convinced them into self-empowerment against my rampant asexuality. *glares* Rabble-rouser.

Hey, I’m happy to be the cause for anyone checking their ace privilege. Sometimes the mighty have to be put in their place by any means necessary, right? You can hardly blame the oppressed sexuals for lashing out. *pats*